coincidences...

Quite a week of revelations.

Apparently, Agassi did crystal meth - but who really gives a shit anyway? Paul got his ass FIRED. JUSTICE!! And finally, mom and dad ask me to play tennis with them on Saturday.

If you remember the Southpark Ep, the parents of Southpark got their parents to quit pokemon by picking up pokemon themselves. Apparently the only way to make your kids disgusted over something is for the parents to like it. Will my parents' dastardly plan work? Tune in.

Went on a cooking frenzy again this week. Nothing burned. Except maybe a lid handle that was made of plastic. Ooops.

Hawt cousin is cooking up a storm for her new bf. I never knew how important it is for the woman to impress with her cooking. Apparently cooking skills are to women what nike is to tennis. Or adidas for that matter. It is the foundation.

You can't cook!! Afix the bow of shame! Cast her into the pit of ruin.

And OH OH I just heard that the NEW singapore uni has a SNAZZZZZZZZZY and HAPPPPPPPENING new name. Guess what? It's called Singapore University of Technology and Design. SUTD. Sexually and Urinary Transmitted Diseases? Some Unintentional Torn Dress? Super Uber Trans-super Door-stopper? Simply Useless Tea Drink?

SUPER FUCKING BORING NAME.

I am polishing up the racquets and the cleaning the shoes. Tennis at our country club back in JB, where people still stone other people to death, so the dress code is UBER STRICT. To avoid getting my ass stoned or crucified in some godforsaken muslim (is this an oxymoron?) ritual, i have to adhere to the strict dress code. Full collar, white, with non marking soled shoes. So i put together all my white gear and i realized in embarrassment that all my white tennis gear is FEDERER GEAR.

The last thing i want is to walk onto the court looking like a Federer fan-boy. But at least i can play. If anyone laughs, i'll serve a kicker into his throat. Hopefully, i'll meet a few good players whom i play with some time in JB.

Sick of thrashing zs' ass.

U heard that?

hot hawt hooorooooooorrrrrrrrt... ... ugh..

It's these hot days that remind me most of the past, as willful and naive as that sounds. Naivety is a luxury in itself - assuming the obviously obvious used to be something that we could take for granted. Somehow, the night's rest resetted all our problems. The next day, it would be another lecture, another tutorial, another report.

And still we complained.

We complained about the uniforms. We complained about the scheduling. We complained about ending at 1pm. We complained about CCAs. We complained about CCA points. We complained about teachers.

How i wish to be back in that crowded lecture theatre, sitting amongst friends, classmates, berating each other with mock insults.

And as the asphalt shimmered under the cruelest of sunny days, we were sitting in air-conditioned rooms, staring through the glass, munching on our BKs and all we could say was "Fucking Hot, rite?" "Yeah, fucking hot." "Really man, it's the hottest fucking day ever."

We listened to music, commented on how sucky it all was, laughing at the depressed men in their white collared shirts running down the boiling streets in their melting black leather shoes, not realizing that one day, we would be one of them.

Nowadays, it's all a little gray. The complaints are real, almost bringing us to tears. the crowd we sit with is all competition, smiles mask lies and the numbers we toy with are real - real enough to bring departments to clamoring frenzy. The reports dont go away and the night's sleep is getting shorter.

But at the very least, one thing still stays the same.

It is, indeed, a fucking hot day.

it was a long monday, ok?

So im coming back from work and i walk in thru the door, only to trip over a pair of shoes. Instantly, i realize that opportunity that i have literally stumbled upon.

It's a pair of leather shoes. Not mine. I wear Barricades, not some pussy-skin-pockets. Size 10. Too big for jasper. And suddenly i remember seeing them. They belong to that guy that hawt cousin brought over a few weeks ago.

And the place is DEATHLY SILENT. No sound can be heard. No movement. Nothing. Silent. (oops did i just hear sheets moving?)

This can only mean one thing.

IT'S PRANK TIME! ! ! !!!!!11111!!11!!!

So in the spirit of all good things and for the honor of those who arent getting some tonight, or are too shagged frm work to think of something, i present to you...


CHRIS' GUIDE ON HOW TO RUDELY INTERRUPT YOUR NEIGHBOUR WHEN YOU KNOW THEY ARE MAKING OUT


1) MUSIC

Music is always the best thing to use. Just plug it in and crank it up. Imagine, you're about to get it on with ur special one when suddenly... ... ... "SCOTTY DOESNT KNOW THAT FIONA AND ME DO IT IN MY VAN EVERY SUNDAY!!"

Or something holy like with the words Jesus or whatever in it. WORKS ESPECIALLY WELL IF SHE'S A CATHOLIC. Hahaha.


2) EMERGENCY

Put your toast in the toaster TWICE and put the toaster near the door. Then yell, "HOLY SHIT! FIRE~!!!!!!!!!"

Or you could pour some water under the door, though this may take a while for them to notice.


3) FRIENDLY AMBUSH

This one requires your personal entrance. Basically, dress up in a cook's attire and just BURST IN THROUGH THE DOOR, yelling, "Hey, I made WAFFLES! Who wants some WAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAFFFFLES, whoohooo!!!"


4) THE NOTHING-TO-WORRY-ABOUT SITUATION

Drop something. Like a pot, or a pan, or a chair, and say, "It's ok, im fine, dont worry."

Then drop it again.

Then say, "Oh wow, it's still alive?"


5) SOUND EFFECTS FROM GOD-KNOWS-WHAT

Buy some celery.

Hold celery in hands.

Now pretend to fall, make a thud as you do so.

As you hit the floor, break celery in two.

Then say, "Ow ow ow ow ow... im fine im fine."

Fall again. Break Celery one more time.

Now say the magic words, "OMFG IS IT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY!!?!?!??!?????"


6) THE REAL ASSHOLE

Pretend you're talking on the phone with your buddy.

Whisper this loudly into the phone, "Yeah dude, im serious. The guy's saying and doing the lamest shit in there. Listen Listen~~!!"


7) BAD MOOD BASTARD

Storm in through the front door, banging the gate as you enter, locking it noisily. Curse under your breath.

Then, kick the guys' shoes and scream, "WHO DA FUCK PUT THEIR MOTHERFUCKING SHOES IN MY WAY!!"

Throw said shoes out the window.

swordfish

The first time i experienced swordfish, it was awesome. I will never forget it. The heavens opened up, angels sang and shit, the lights all got brighter and old pple disappeared frm the streets for a brief moment.

It was perfect, tender and juicy. But it lasted only for a short moment. Then Halle Berry covered up and i stopped the DVD.

The second time, was much better.

And this time, it was an actual fish. As suahkoo as this may sound, the swordfish at Fish and Co. was great. I remember looking at the menu and going "WTF, swordfish is cheaper than the Fish and Chips??"

I ordered one, being universally curious. Turns out it took 25min to prep. But when it came, it was 2 huge chunks of fish bone and meat. Totally didnt expect it. Viva la swordfish. Viva la Halle Berry.

The drive back to Balestier took us through Serangoon, and in typical wong family style, racist commentary ensued.

"Why do they have to sit on the grass?"

"If they see a bus driving down the road, why do they have this sudden urge to dash in front of it?"

"Why do they have to hold their heads when they complain?"

Oh yes, Deepavali is upon us. And in a complete turn around from Hari Raya, the crime rate has kicked it up a notch. Less than a week after opening a brand new goldsmith shop, 4 indians dashed into my cousin bro's store and cleaned it out. The part-time maid suddenly disappeared for 2 weeks then reappeared sporting injuries and bruises claiming that an indian snatched her handbag. And i witnessed a traffic accident along Lavendar road between a car and a motorbiking indian.

Indeed, Deepavali is here. Watch out. If they demand attention, they WILL get it, one way or another.

In other news, shredding documents may be exceptionally calming to the senses, but shredding CDs... ... ah... that is EUPHORIA.

Today, thanks to the release of the latest version of documentation, we had to terminate a few unofficially released versions, which meant shredding papers and CDs alike (yes, our shredder is a certified CD destroyer).

And the office gathered around as i dropped the CD into the shredder and heard the bonecrunching of the gears and the snapping of plastic. Felt awesome.

It also shreds Credit Cards! I will try to find some.

Viva la Shredder! (viva la Halle Berry too, btw)

shame on me...

Oh yes, it's been a long time since the last one. And it's probably gonna get longer.

The reason isnt because of work. Nope. Not because of love, nor money, nor the lack of either.

The reason is simple - I HAVE TO SAVE THE WORLD.

I have to save the world from the jaws of oblivion, journey into the belly of the realm of Mehrunes Dagon and battle the insidious Daedra to put a stop of the invasion of Cyrodill.

*Ahem*

In summary, im addicted to that stupid rpg game, The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, a free-wheeling rpg with immense playability and morality options. And just as predictably, im an assassin.

So shame on me for abandoning my msn positions and the lack of fb updates, but i have a mission too critical to risk.

Onward shadowmere!!