Sunday morning is the day for laundry - you let the clothes soak in suds and bubbles overnight before finally turning on the machine in the morning - for a thorough wash. It's the only way, according to mom, that it will rid the clothes of odor - typically referred to as manliness.
Anyway, so i do the laundry and hang it out to dry. A few minutes later, I get out of the room to make some lunch.
I am not prepared for what I see.
A HUGE black bird is perched on the balcony, fiddling with one of my shirts.
When i say HUGE, i mean HUGE. GODZILLA HUGE. I mean, like i thought it was actually an ALBATROSS at first. Then i realized albatrosses are white, and they cant fly so high, and they are no where near as BAD ASS as this bird. This bird is a crow - or a rook. Whatever. It's huge, and its threatening to tear up one of my nikes.
Thus it must die. Preferably thru slow and bloody disembowelment, but i was pretty hungry for lunch so it had to be fast.
I dash over to the balcony, waving a broom. The black bird takes off, circles around, and comes crashing back into the clothes hangers. The fucker was actually trying to ATTACK me.
I retreated for the moment. It was only then did i see what was happening to my shirt. There bits of twigs and shit in it. The DAMN BIRD WAS TRYING TO BUILD A NEST IN MY SHIRT! WTF.
Sorry, big bird, HDB is closed for today.
I take a huge swipe at the... ... SHIRT. I knock a few twigs from it, and the bird starts shrieking like crazy. Next I take a swing at the bird, it takes off, and before it can circle back, i grab the shirt, and dash inside, slamming the glass door shut behind me.
Helpless big-ass bird is now outside and im inside. This is usually the time to make a vicious bad-guy pose and laugh menacingly, except that my cousin was still asleep, so i had to reduce the volume to a sheepish "tee hee hee hee..."
Either way, it felt good.
In case, you were wondering, there were no eggs in the shirt.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
green day
I am suddenly taken by vegetarianism. Is it even an -ism? Oh well.
The thing is, for the last 2 weeks or so, I've had the pleasure of being able, with the rest of 2 colleagues, to sneak into the staff dining lounge for our lunches. After 2 days of raiding the buffet, the food got a little old.
Why the hell is it always CURRY???? I mean, i would go there and see... CURRY chicken, then THAI STYLE CHILLI tofu, SAMBAL fish... and lastly, SAMBAL vege. WTF?? Do they REALLY want their dealers to walk around belching and smelling like prawn paste??
They had a "western" section of buffet - which was basically forever some kind of half cooked fettucini/macaroni with tasteless but EXCEPTIONALLY oily carbonara sauce. The god of italian cooking would've turned so many times in his grave, he'd drill himself a tunnel to china.
The good news is that they had a salad bar. And i dont usually go for the salad. But when i saw the steaming trays of chilli powder-laden food once again, i made a straight bee-line for the it.
It actually wasnt so bad. A scoop of corn, half a dozen cherry tomatoes, a handful of butterhead/red lettuce, several strips of cold roast beef and a spoonful of thousand isle and i was all set.
It actually tasted VERY good - much better than i had expected.
Began to look forward to lunch after that.
And then they BANNED us. All contractors were BANNED. All staff were forced to wear uniforms whenever they entered - effectively weeding out potential infiltrators.
Needless to say, i was devastated.
So i made my own.
I dropped by cold storage today on the way home. And within 15min, the salad was done and in my fridge, chilling for the following day. It was actually quite easy. I steamed a whole ear of corn, chopped up some lettuce, bought my own cherry tomatoes and i substituted the beef with canned salmon. I also swapped the thousand isle for some tangy SALSA, which properly masks the fishy taste of the salmon.
Seal in a tupperware lunchbox and leave in the fridge to chill overnight. Really looking forward to lunch tomorrow.
The thing is, for the last 2 weeks or so, I've had the pleasure of being able, with the rest of 2 colleagues, to sneak into the staff dining lounge for our lunches. After 2 days of raiding the buffet, the food got a little old.
Why the hell is it always CURRY???? I mean, i would go there and see... CURRY chicken, then THAI STYLE CHILLI tofu, SAMBAL fish... and lastly, SAMBAL vege. WTF?? Do they REALLY want their dealers to walk around belching and smelling like prawn paste??
They had a "western" section of buffet - which was basically forever some kind of half cooked fettucini/macaroni with tasteless but EXCEPTIONALLY oily carbonara sauce. The god of italian cooking would've turned so many times in his grave, he'd drill himself a tunnel to china.
The good news is that they had a salad bar. And i dont usually go for the salad. But when i saw the steaming trays of chilli powder-laden food once again, i made a straight bee-line for the it.
It actually wasnt so bad. A scoop of corn, half a dozen cherry tomatoes, a handful of butterhead/red lettuce, several strips of cold roast beef and a spoonful of thousand isle and i was all set.
It actually tasted VERY good - much better than i had expected.
Began to look forward to lunch after that.
And then they BANNED us. All contractors were BANNED. All staff were forced to wear uniforms whenever they entered - effectively weeding out potential infiltrators.
Needless to say, i was devastated.
So i made my own.
I dropped by cold storage today on the way home. And within 15min, the salad was done and in my fridge, chilling for the following day. It was actually quite easy. I steamed a whole ear of corn, chopped up some lettuce, bought my own cherry tomatoes and i substituted the beef with canned salmon. I also swapped the thousand isle for some tangy SALSA, which properly masks the fishy taste of the salmon.
Seal in a tupperware lunchbox and leave in the fridge to chill overnight. Really looking forward to lunch tomorrow.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
in the car...
A long long long drive from jb to kukup for seafood. Apparently it's supposed to be worth it. But long long long drives dont just pass in an instant... And a family of 5 very different pple is a festival of its own.
RADIO
Me: (turns on the radio)
Me: Hey dad, i thought u said you had a thumbdrive with mp3s in it.
Dad: Yeah it's in the glove compartment.
Me: (takes out thumbdrive) It... It's not all SHAKIRA right?
Dad: No la, it's mixed.
Me: (plugs thumbdrive)
(RADIO starts playing Shakira song)
PINEAPPLES
Mom: Welcome to Pekan Nanas!
Jasper: What's that?
Mom: Here la! It means Pineapple Town!
(All look out the window)
Oliver: I dont see any pineapples.
MUSEUM
Me: Did you just see that sign?
Mom: What?
Me: It just said "Muzium Nanas".
Dad: Yeah, it's a museum for pineapples.
Everyone: ... ... ...
Me: What's so museum-able about pineapples?
RADIO 2
Dad: It's a MIXED album. Only the first song is Shakira.
(Next song plays - not shakira)
Me: Oh okay then.
(5th song plays - it's shakira)
Me: Oh so it's just every 5 songs?
Dad: ... It's... a MIXED album.
BAD TOUCH
Mom: Pontian is not so far from where dad and i went to that temple.
Me: Which one?
Mom: The one where they let you stroke a fish for fortune.
Me: Oooh i see.
Oliver: That's dumb.
Mom: There's actually another just nearby that let's you stroke lucky pineapples!
Oliver: That's also retarded.
Mom: I even heard there's one that let's you stroke MONKEYS.
All: OH MY GOD.
MUSEUM 2
Dad: Well there's the museum!
(Drives past a building with a MASSIVE pineapple in front.)
Me: Wow...
Oliver: I think that's the ONLY pineapple in Pekan Nanas.
RADIO 3
(Radio plays Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World.)
(Radio plays Vengaboys' Boom Boom Boom Boom.)
(Radio plays The Doors' Riders on the Storm.)
(Radio plays Madonna's rendition of American Pie.)
Me: Dad, your choice in songs is very... ... varied.
Dad: (Smiles) I told you it's mixed.
MUSEUM 3
(Car drives pass a sign - MUZIUM BUGIS)
Me: And what does that museum show?
Mom: Probably named Bugis after the Bugis pple. Probably a museum for the local Bugis?
All: (Picturing a statue of a huge Bugis man in front of a building.)
All: ... ... ^_^""""
KUKUP
Dad: Well here we are - Kukup!
Jasper: It's damn dirty la.
Dad: It was like this a long long time ago.
Jasper: And they still havent noticed??
RESTAURANT
Dad: (Ordering food)
Mom: Dad, i think we'll have prawns instead. Dont order the fish.
Dad: Hmm... okay... (Finishes ordering)
Mom: Now let's go to the veranda and take a look.
(Whole family goes to the veranda)
Me: What's that?
(It's a dead flounder floating in the water, just near the restaurant.)
Mom: Luckily didnt order the fish.
RADIO
Me: (turns on the radio)
Me: Hey dad, i thought u said you had a thumbdrive with mp3s in it.
Dad: Yeah it's in the glove compartment.
Me: (takes out thumbdrive) It... It's not all SHAKIRA right?
Dad: No la, it's mixed.
Me: (plugs thumbdrive)
(RADIO starts playing Shakira song)
PINEAPPLES
Mom: Welcome to Pekan Nanas!
Jasper: What's that?
Mom: Here la! It means Pineapple Town!
(All look out the window)
Oliver: I dont see any pineapples.
MUSEUM
Me: Did you just see that sign?
Mom: What?
Me: It just said "Muzium Nanas".
Dad: Yeah, it's a museum for pineapples.
Everyone: ... ... ...
Me: What's so museum-able about pineapples?
RADIO 2
Dad: It's a MIXED album. Only the first song is Shakira.
(Next song plays - not shakira)
Me: Oh okay then.
(5th song plays - it's shakira)
Me: Oh so it's just every 5 songs?
Dad: ... It's... a MIXED album.
BAD TOUCH
Mom: Pontian is not so far from where dad and i went to that temple.
Me: Which one?
Mom: The one where they let you stroke a fish for fortune.
Me: Oooh i see.
Oliver: That's dumb.
Mom: There's actually another just nearby that let's you stroke lucky pineapples!
Oliver: That's also retarded.
Mom: I even heard there's one that let's you stroke MONKEYS.
All: OH MY GOD.
MUSEUM 2
Dad: Well there's the museum!
(Drives past a building with a MASSIVE pineapple in front.)
Me: Wow...
Oliver: I think that's the ONLY pineapple in Pekan Nanas.
RADIO 3
(Radio plays Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World.)
(Radio plays Vengaboys' Boom Boom Boom Boom.)
(Radio plays The Doors' Riders on the Storm.)
(Radio plays Madonna's rendition of American Pie.)
Me: Dad, your choice in songs is very... ... varied.
Dad: (Smiles) I told you it's mixed.
MUSEUM 3
(Car drives pass a sign - MUZIUM BUGIS)
Me: And what does that museum show?
Mom: Probably named Bugis after the Bugis pple. Probably a museum for the local Bugis?
All: (Picturing a statue of a huge Bugis man in front of a building.)
All: ... ... ^_^""""
KUKUP
Dad: Well here we are - Kukup!
Jasper: It's damn dirty la.
Dad: It was like this a long long time ago.
Jasper: And they still havent noticed??
RESTAURANT
Dad: (Ordering food)
Mom: Dad, i think we'll have prawns instead. Dont order the fish.
Dad: Hmm... okay... (Finishes ordering)
Mom: Now let's go to the veranda and take a look.
(Whole family goes to the veranda)
Me: What's that?
(It's a dead flounder floating in the water, just near the restaurant.)
Mom: Luckily didnt order the fish.
Friday, May 7, 2010
the lamborghini and the art of elevation
The Lamborghini
Every morning as I proceed towards the Security Ops Centre buried deep in MBS somewhere, I have to walk through a carpark. Now, I've watched this carpark turn from nothing but a muddy slab of dirt and literal shit, into the... ... well... (adjectives fail me)... the carpark it is today - it's practically my baby.
When i first saw the parking lots, i thought the designers had lost their brains in a botched lobotomy. There were rows upon rows of parking lots - more than 2 in a row. Almost all carparks have doubled rowed parking lots btw, this was up to 4, meaning that you could actually surround a parked car with other cars and not let it come out.
I thought it was retarded, then they started hiring pple - and i realized it was VALET parking. ORH chey...
Now these valets would just sit around all day playing with their little golf carts. (Yes, they have golf carts to take people from up above down to the carpark, if a client insisted.) Just about 3 of them.
TODAY, there were 8 of them. EIGHT. WTF?? It was actually noisy for once.
And then i saw it. A metallic orange Lamborghini. Parked right in the front. And all the valets were standing around it smoking, like they just finished having sex with it. And they were taking turns driving it. They'd make just one round around the carpark and park it right back, get out, take another post-fuck smoke, and onto the next man. If people could gangrape a car, it would probably look like that.
I pity the lamborghini owner, bcos ppl are abusing his car while he's off losing money in the casino.
Wait a min, pity? He owns a lamborghini!
The Art of Elevation
As i explained to amelie and her friends once, there's a device in the ground, that when triggered, will rise up quickly, with enough force to raise a truck, completely blocking any car bombs or suicide bomber retarded enough to try and bomb a half completed casino with nothing but swakoo aunties and uncles inside.
It's called the Rising Kerb.
But all things need testing.
The entrance to casino has 2 rising kerbs, side by side, and we needed to test one of them. So we closed off one lane for testing, leaving the other open for public use. Director was there, Manager was there, all in broad daylight.
It was simple enough - press a button, kerb comes up. Press another button, kerb goes down. Done.
Well, it was over in a few seconds. It worked perfectly.
Until my director said, "Try it again."
The worker pressed the button. THE WRONG BUTTON.
He pressed the one for the OTHER KERB.
And there was an SUV driving over.
We watched in complete horror as the SUV was elevated 6 feet in the air, ass pointing towards the sky. The kerb ruptured the undercarriage fuel tank, spilling petrol everywhere in a sickening crunching splash.
The vehicle was making perfect 45degree angle to the ground now, and held there for a split second, in perfect balance. The face of the driver was a beautiful amalgram of horror, surprise, embarrassment and sian-ness. My director, Russell, muttered in shock, "Fuck..."
I watched as the car tipped over slowly on its side, rolling onto its side in a growing slick of petrol.
The driver emerged, unscathed and obviously impressed with the security of the casino, bcos he actually skipped work to come here and didnt tell his wife, and we STILL managed to detect that and prevent him frm gambling. Nice right?
My manager was already running around like a mad chicken making calls, and scolding an imaginery worker who had already taken off at the first sign of trouble.
I could only offer consolation words, "Well, at least we know it works now."
My director nodded, still standing that same spot as the petrol spread all around, like Stalin observing his troops before defence of Stalingrad, "Got a match?"
Every morning as I proceed towards the Security Ops Centre buried deep in MBS somewhere, I have to walk through a carpark. Now, I've watched this carpark turn from nothing but a muddy slab of dirt and literal shit, into the... ... well... (adjectives fail me)... the carpark it is today - it's practically my baby.
When i first saw the parking lots, i thought the designers had lost their brains in a botched lobotomy. There were rows upon rows of parking lots - more than 2 in a row. Almost all carparks have doubled rowed parking lots btw, this was up to 4, meaning that you could actually surround a parked car with other cars and not let it come out.
I thought it was retarded, then they started hiring pple - and i realized it was VALET parking. ORH chey...
Now these valets would just sit around all day playing with their little golf carts. (Yes, they have golf carts to take people from up above down to the carpark, if a client insisted.) Just about 3 of them.
TODAY, there were 8 of them. EIGHT. WTF?? It was actually noisy for once.
And then i saw it. A metallic orange Lamborghini. Parked right in the front. And all the valets were standing around it smoking, like they just finished having sex with it. And they were taking turns driving it. They'd make just one round around the carpark and park it right back, get out, take another post-fuck smoke, and onto the next man. If people could gangrape a car, it would probably look like that.
I pity the lamborghini owner, bcos ppl are abusing his car while he's off losing money in the casino.
Wait a min, pity? He owns a lamborghini!
The Art of Elevation
As i explained to amelie and her friends once, there's a device in the ground, that when triggered, will rise up quickly, with enough force to raise a truck, completely blocking any car bombs or suicide bomber retarded enough to try and bomb a half completed casino with nothing but swakoo aunties and uncles inside.
It's called the Rising Kerb.
But all things need testing.
The entrance to casino has 2 rising kerbs, side by side, and we needed to test one of them. So we closed off one lane for testing, leaving the other open for public use. Director was there, Manager was there, all in broad daylight.
It was simple enough - press a button, kerb comes up. Press another button, kerb goes down. Done.
Well, it was over in a few seconds. It worked perfectly.
Until my director said, "Try it again."
The worker pressed the button. THE WRONG BUTTON.
He pressed the one for the OTHER KERB.
And there was an SUV driving over.
We watched in complete horror as the SUV was elevated 6 feet in the air, ass pointing towards the sky. The kerb ruptured the undercarriage fuel tank, spilling petrol everywhere in a sickening crunching splash.
The vehicle was making perfect 45degree angle to the ground now, and held there for a split second, in perfect balance. The face of the driver was a beautiful amalgram of horror, surprise, embarrassment and sian-ness. My director, Russell, muttered in shock, "Fuck..."
I watched as the car tipped over slowly on its side, rolling onto its side in a growing slick of petrol.
The driver emerged, unscathed and obviously impressed with the security of the casino, bcos he actually skipped work to come here and didnt tell his wife, and we STILL managed to detect that and prevent him frm gambling. Nice right?
My manager was already running around like a mad chicken making calls, and scolding an imaginery worker who had already taken off at the first sign of trouble.
I could only offer consolation words, "Well, at least we know it works now."
My director nodded, still standing that same spot as the petrol spread all around, like Stalin observing his troops before defence of Stalingrad, "Got a match?"
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
tower of babel-estier
Managed to catch the lift on the first floor before the doors closed. The lifts in my place are fucked up - the close WAAAAAAAAAAY too fast, so when i typically "catch" the lift, it means that i just stood there, let the doors smash against my shoulders with a dramatic crash and then then enter.
This happened again, and in typical fashion, the occupants of the lift drew back in terror, like I was the Terminator and I had just destroyed an entire DC police station.
I was already pissed off. Numerous "by tomorrow" emails and lots of finger pointing and unreasonable "should've been yesterday" deadlines already drew me to the point of redline, bording mass societal genoicide extermination.
Seeing 2 people in a lift, and NOT lift a finger to press the "open" button as i was approaching, more or less threw me over the edge.
But it was NOT over.
The fuckers pressed buttons 7 and 14, and hit the 20. This means that we would stop EXACTLY 1/3 and 2/3 the way through - which is FUCKED up already, means that lift would never hit maximum velocity.
The lift stops at Level 2. ONE FLOOR HAD PASSED ONLY!!! ARGH!!! A young lady walks in - she's pretty, but unfortunately she's vietcong and unfortunately, im racist and nationalist and anarchist.
She presses Level 4. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! The young little twig figure couldnt even walk up TWO flights of stairs???!! WTF??!?!?! I feel like setting her hair on FIRE and watching her burn.
We get to level 4, and the uselessly skinny thing leaves.
The lift stops at level 6!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SH*T!!! An elderly grandma gets in holding a HUGE metal pot. It would've been nice if it was full of pasta, or something AROMATIC at least... but NOOOOOOOOO, it was full of HERBS. CONFIRM!! GUARANTEE!! And it was AS BITTER AS AL GORE THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION RESULTS. I didnt taste it, though, i mean, i didnt even have to.
She presses level 10. Oh gawd...
The lift ride is killing me.
Finally a little silence, but the smell!! ARGH!!
The 2 original imbeciles get off at levels 7 and 14. The grandma silently left at level 10, her pot quivering in her old hands, and making a resounding metal clanking with every step she made. It was HILARIOUS. And no, i wasnt about to help her. I was in TOO bad of a mood. Sorry, no charity for you today.
And JUST as i tot i was finally through the home stretch, the lift stops at level 17. WTF!??
2 half naked thai guys get in - the most fucked up thing i have EVER laid my eyes on. I bet shufan had planned some just for fucking laughs thing, bcos one was so FAT, his belly was covering part of his pants. The other was so THIN, i thought i could see the imprint of his intestines as he breathed.
And they pressed level 19.
Believe it. It happened.
By the time they got out of the lift, with their mouths yapping like piranhas in a Bond film, there was STEAM coming out of my ears.
When I got to level 20. The lift door opened, and standing here was a little child, probably about 6 years old. Wide-eyed wonder with a helmet cut hairstyle, tiny mouth and button nose, dressed in matching green shirt and pants with yellow shoes. His mom was standing a metre away.
I looked down at him and snarled, "MOVE."
He moved alright, all the way back to his mom and hit behind her legs.
Smart kid. He'll turn out just fine.
This happened again, and in typical fashion, the occupants of the lift drew back in terror, like I was the Terminator and I had just destroyed an entire DC police station.
I was already pissed off. Numerous "by tomorrow" emails and lots of finger pointing and unreasonable "should've been yesterday" deadlines already drew me to the point of redline, bording mass societal genoicide extermination.
Seeing 2 people in a lift, and NOT lift a finger to press the "open" button as i was approaching, more or less threw me over the edge.
But it was NOT over.
The fuckers pressed buttons 7 and 14, and hit the 20. This means that we would stop EXACTLY 1/3 and 2/3 the way through - which is FUCKED up already, means that lift would never hit maximum velocity.
The lift stops at Level 2. ONE FLOOR HAD PASSED ONLY!!! ARGH!!! A young lady walks in - she's pretty, but unfortunately she's vietcong and unfortunately, im racist and nationalist and anarchist.
She presses Level 4. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! The young little twig figure couldnt even walk up TWO flights of stairs???!! WTF??!?!?! I feel like setting her hair on FIRE and watching her burn.
We get to level 4, and the uselessly skinny thing leaves.
The lift stops at level 6!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SH*T!!! An elderly grandma gets in holding a HUGE metal pot. It would've been nice if it was full of pasta, or something AROMATIC at least... but NOOOOOOOOO, it was full of HERBS. CONFIRM!! GUARANTEE!! And it was AS BITTER AS AL GORE THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION RESULTS. I didnt taste it, though, i mean, i didnt even have to.
She presses level 10. Oh gawd...
The lift ride is killing me.
Finally a little silence, but the smell!! ARGH!!
The 2 original imbeciles get off at levels 7 and 14. The grandma silently left at level 10, her pot quivering in her old hands, and making a resounding metal clanking with every step she made. It was HILARIOUS. And no, i wasnt about to help her. I was in TOO bad of a mood. Sorry, no charity for you today.
And JUST as i tot i was finally through the home stretch, the lift stops at level 17. WTF!??
2 half naked thai guys get in - the most fucked up thing i have EVER laid my eyes on. I bet shufan had planned some just for fucking laughs thing, bcos one was so FAT, his belly was covering part of his pants. The other was so THIN, i thought i could see the imprint of his intestines as he breathed.
And they pressed level 19.
Believe it. It happened.
By the time they got out of the lift, with their mouths yapping like piranhas in a Bond film, there was STEAM coming out of my ears.
When I got to level 20. The lift door opened, and standing here was a little child, probably about 6 years old. Wide-eyed wonder with a helmet cut hairstyle, tiny mouth and button nose, dressed in matching green shirt and pants with yellow shoes. His mom was standing a metre away.
I looked down at him and snarled, "MOVE."
He moved alright, all the way back to his mom and hit behind her legs.
Smart kid. He'll turn out just fine.
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