the lamborghini and the art of elevation

The Lamborghini

Every morning as I proceed towards the Security Ops Centre buried deep in MBS somewhere, I have to walk through a carpark. Now, I've watched this carpark turn from nothing but a muddy slab of dirt and literal shit, into the... ... well... (adjectives fail me)... the carpark it is today - it's practically my baby.

When i first saw the parking lots, i thought the designers had lost their brains in a botched lobotomy. There were rows upon rows of parking lots - more than 2 in a row. Almost all carparks have doubled rowed parking lots btw, this was up to 4, meaning that you could actually surround a parked car with other cars and not let it come out.

I thought it was retarded, then they started hiring pple - and i realized it was VALET parking. ORH chey...

Now these valets would just sit around all day playing with their little golf carts. (Yes, they have golf carts to take people from up above down to the carpark, if a client insisted.) Just about 3 of them.

TODAY, there were 8 of them. EIGHT. WTF?? It was actually noisy for once.

And then i saw it. A metallic orange Lamborghini. Parked right in the front. And all the valets were standing around it smoking, like they just finished having sex with it. And they were taking turns driving it. They'd make just one round around the carpark and park it right back, get out, take another post-fuck smoke, and onto the next man. If people could gangrape a car, it would probably look like that.

I pity the lamborghini owner, bcos ppl are abusing his car while he's off losing money in the casino.

Wait a min, pity? He owns a lamborghini!

The Art of Elevation

As i explained to amelie and her friends once, there's a device in the ground, that when triggered, will rise up quickly, with enough force to raise a truck, completely blocking any car bombs or suicide bomber retarded enough to try and bomb a half completed casino with nothing but swakoo aunties and uncles inside.

It's called the Rising Kerb.

But all things need testing.

The entrance to casino has 2 rising kerbs, side by side, and we needed to test one of them. So we closed off one lane for testing, leaving the other open for public use. Director was there, Manager was there, all in broad daylight.

It was simple enough - press a button, kerb comes up. Press another button, kerb goes down. Done.

Well, it was over in a few seconds. It worked perfectly.

Until my director said, "Try it again."

The worker pressed the button. THE WRONG BUTTON.

He pressed the one for the OTHER KERB.

And there was an SUV driving over.

We watched in complete horror as the SUV was elevated 6 feet in the air, ass pointing towards the sky. The kerb ruptured the undercarriage fuel tank, spilling petrol everywhere in a sickening crunching splash.

The vehicle was making perfect 45degree angle to the ground now, and held there for a split second, in perfect balance. The face of the driver was a beautiful amalgram of horror, surprise, embarrassment and sian-ness. My director, Russell, muttered in shock, "Fuck..."

I watched as the car tipped over slowly on its side, rolling onto its side in a growing slick of petrol.

The driver emerged, unscathed and obviously impressed with the security of the casino, bcos he actually skipped work to come here and didnt tell his wife, and we STILL managed to detect that and prevent him frm gambling. Nice right?

My manager was already running around like a mad chicken making calls, and scolding an imaginery worker who had already taken off at the first sign of trouble.

I could only offer consolation words, "Well, at least we know it works now."

My director nodded, still standing that same spot as the petrol spread all around, like Stalin observing his troops before defence of Stalingrad, "Got a match?"