cucumbers

Women are manipulative creatures. The lack of physical strength is substituted with a ruthless mind and sadistic tendencies that drive them to achieve the impossible, without even being the one to do it.

Here's a simple example, from my mom.

I hate cucumbers. Well, i dont really hate cucumbers, i just wouldnt put a cucumber in my mouth and eat it just like that. This applies in the present day. I still feel that way about cucumbers.

I'll never eat a plain cucumber.

It was even worse when i was a kid.

One day I walked into the kitchen. Mom was making sushi. The roll kind (maki). Mom always put cucumber in it. Just to give it the extra crunch. As for me, i wouldve been perfectly fine if my mom would just make plain maki out of mayo, egg and crabstick. Who gives a damn about cucumber?

But mom always insisted on it.

I was 10, i think. Maybe even smaller. Because i remember the cucumbers were huge.

Anyway, i walked in and mom was just about to start slicing up the cucumbers. She did the most unusual thing. She cut off a small part off one end and a small part of the other end.

But she didnt throw those parts away.

Instead, she kept them. And it looked as though she regretted chopping those parts because she put them back on the cucumber that she just cut them from. And she started rubbing. She rubbed the end of cucumber with the part that she had just cut from it. She did it for about 20 seconds for each end.

"Why are you doing that?" I asked.

"Hmmm..." she thought, "It makes the cucumber sweeter."

"Sweeter?"

"Yeap," she said, "If you just slice the cucumber like that without rubbing it, it'll be quite bitter."

Even back then, i was already a mini-engineer.

"But that doesnt make sense!!" I cried.

"Ok, then," mom said, "Try a piece now."

She sliced off a piece of cucumber and put it in my mouth. I took it in reluctantly and chewed.

"Still yucky!" I said.

"Then rub it somemore then," she smiled and handed me the piece that she was using to rub.

"Huh? You mean it'll get sweeter the more you rub?"

Mom beamed a bright smile, "Yeap! It really does!"

"Okay..."

I rubbed the cucumber for about 20 seconds. Then i held it back up to mom. She cut a good slice off of it and put it in my mouth. She watched it intently as I chewed it up.

Wait a min....!!!

"Eh...!" I exclaimed, "Yeah it is! Just a BIT~~~~~ sweeter."

"See? See?" Mom said, "Go on, it gets better!"

AMAZING!! It did work! Mom is a genius!!

I ate almost a whole cucumber that day. Plain.

Some time ago, i was at home making sushi. And yeah, i put cucumbers in them. For that extra crunch. And to make sure jasper and oliver get a serving of vegetables, however small.

I cut off a top frm one end and a little from the other. And I kept the cut ends. I took one cut part in my hand and rubbed one end of the cucumber with it.

Mom walked in at that moment. It had been more than 12 years since she first taught me that. She saw me rubbing cucumber and looked back at me.

"Hmm hmm!" she flashed a cheeky grin and walked out, leaving me standing there with a cucumber in my hand.

And i hate cucumbers.

... for the soul?

Campbell has come up with the best soup ever - Chicken Vegetable Medley. Basically, it's chicken soup with vegetables and large chunks of chicken in it. The stuff goes great with anything.

I almost began to believe, at one point, that i was ADDICTED to the stuff.

But then i realized it wasnt just me.

Just came home today frm a LONG LONG day at work. The airconditioning has been down for the 7th straight day. SEVENTH day. And dont forget, my office is a freakin metal container. At around 330pm, you could walk up to me, stick a fork in my ass and call me "Done". Even the water cooler water was beginning to get WARM. And that's a problem.

I had a shouting competition with the air-conditioning serviceman, demanding why is it that in the case of Samsung, there ISNT A SINGLE SPARE COMPRESSOR FAN IN THE WHOLE OF SINGAPORE. They gotta order frm overseas - that'll take 4 weeks.

WTF??? 4 weeks for a fucking compressor fan? I think they really take this Six Sigma crap a little too seriously over there.

Anyway, that aside, i was boiling when i got home. Thank god i had a can of Chicken Vegetable Medley. (Cue music as i pose smiling with the stuff. "Try it today!")

Well, i take a shower as the soup cooks in the microwave and when im done, so is the soup. I can already smell it as i enter the kitchen. I take it out of the microwave and a huge steamy cloud of homemade goodness fills the rooms.

Awesomeness.

The moment was SOOOOOOOOOO awesome, in fact, that SOMETHING had to spoil it. Now, i would've been cool with any kind of option.

1) I spill the soup and it's all gone.

2) I sneeze into the soup.

3) Aliens appear and steal my soup.

4) I spill the soup, and just as i'm about to catch it, i sneeze and as my eyes are closed, aliens appear and steal it.

Any combination. Fine with me.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The worse had to happen.

The cloud of steam had just emerged from the lid no more than 5 seconds, when suddenly, there was a LOUD PLOP and a huge drop of soup landed on my nose.

I scream. Not bcos of the soup on my nose, but bcos of the CAUSE.

I am not the only one who loves Campbell's Chicken Vegetable Medley.

Lizards love it too.

The bastard basically did a swan dive right into the centre of the bowl. He struggles, splashing about, trying to clutch onto a piece of carrot or tomato, but his efforts are in vain. He's too far from the edge of the bowl to make a swim for it.

The lizard is literally, in hot soup.

U can imagine my horror as i watch the light brown lizard turn white and stop struggling.

By the way, for those who are cooking-inclined, u probably know that when the meat is white, it's more or less DONE.

So yeah it was done. The little fucker had committed suicide in my soup. Rest in piece, you son of a bitch.

Other than that, it was a nostalgic day. The heat of the day makes you whoozy and u start looking at things in a dreamy state.

But no, i didnt watch the lizard struggle in the soup and go "Awwww..."

a lesson in pain...

The weekend sucked.

Woke up on Friday with a sharp pain in my right. I thought it was nothing. Got to work and it got worse and worse and worse. By the time dinner was over, and we were having drinks, it was actually FUCKING EXCRUCIATING. It actually hurt more when i was sitting down. And the whole dinner was spent on a stiff wooden frame chair.

No offence to the Boathouse. But i mean, it's called the BOATHOUSE. U'd expect the BOATHOUSE to have FUCKING AWESOME SEAFOOD, right? Apparently this is not so. I ordered the goddamn Atlantic pink snapper and when it arrived, the table was laughing. WTF??

MacDonald's fillet of fish had more fish in it than mine! I couldve finished that meal in 4 bites. FOUR FUCKING BITES!! Most fail fish ever. I have the worse luck with ordering food. Next time i'll just stick to the pasta. U cant go wrong with pasta.

Anyway, by the time we went for drinks, it felt like someone driving a red hot metal stake into side. And twisting it about. *twist twist twist* Get the picture?

A couple of drinks helped alleviate the pain slightly.

Got home and didnt sleep a wink. I think i slept 15min total that night. Tossed and turned until i realized the sun was up. Dragged myself to the doctor.

Doctor immediately suspected could be appendicitis. Oh Shit.

Thank god he gave me some painkillers to go with the bloodtests and all. It would take a day to confirm the results. But in the meantime, i should just monitor and if the pain gets so bad that the painkillers dont work, then i should just go straight to the hospital, the doctor said.

So basically i had to wait until i died or not. Spent the rest of the day eating oatmeal and porridge. OATMEAL AND PORRIDGE. Remember Oliver Twist? Yeah shit like that.

Thankfully, i was meeting someone at botanical gardens, and this forced me to drag myself out of bed and move my legs. My friend was also in pain, a different kind of pain. By the time we were having dinner, pain was almost gone. Amazing.

I guess exercise and movement are the best cures for any ailment. No more lying in bed.

Tennis sucked on Sunday too. Just wasnt moving right. Shitty weekend.

There had better be a good compensation for this. Like a million bucks in my duffel bag.

tragedy??

Holy shit it's been awhile.

Anyway, today's entry is about something that happened a week ago actually, but I kept getting distracted frm blogging abt it. It's about time.

I'm walking out on a late Sunday morning to fetch some ingredients for pasta. Dont ask me why but i had a craving for home-made pasta suddenly. Meatballs. Meatballs too. Too bad I live too far frm any Ikea to fulfil that end. Frozen beefballs would have to suffice.

But that's not the point.

The point came abruptly as I was walking down the slope leading away frm my apartment and suddenly I hear a MUFFLED scream, and a screech from a car, and a dull crunch, coming frm behind me. Actually it wasnt really a crunch. It was more like a squish, but with something in the middle.

You know they always talk about outside juicy inside crispy about some kind of snack or something? Yeah imagine something juicy on the outside with a crispy centre getting squashed and that's the sound it would make.

I'll give you some time to think about it.

...

...

...

Done?

Ok, moving on.

So i turn around, and the muffled scream is actually from a lady INSIDE the car that came screeching to a halt. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but she's getting out of the car in a dreadful hurry. She scuttles over to the side of the car and starts half-sobbing and half-screaming to her husband (he's the driver).

Being a Singaporean PR, i am entitled to being kaypoh, so i cross the street and peer over to the side the hysterical lady was on.

Oh Man... They ran over a CAT.

Yeah, that sound u just imagined? That's the sound of a cat getting it's back broken by an SUV with GoodYear tyres. Guess it wasnt such a "good year" for the cat eh? hehehe... sorry abt that...

The lady is screaming "Oh my God! Oh No! This is terrible!!"

And the house opposite opens its gates. An old lady comes running out, and im thinking, "OMG! DRAMA!! Here's comes the confrontation!"

The lady stops at the sight of the cat and covers her mouth with her hands.

And yeah, she starts crying and screaming too.

BY THE WAY, THE CAT IS STILL ALIVE HOR. I can see the rise and fall of the chest and it meows softly. But stops after the old lady starts screaming for about 10 seconds. It died peacefully to the sound of two ladies screaming.

Im watching the drama, totally immersed in kaypoh-ishness.

The old lady asks what happened. Apparently the cat had ran across the road and had almost reached the other side when it saw the oncoming car. The driver tot the cat would run on and so it didnt slow down. Turns out the cat had forgotten his keys or something, and U-turned just before it reached the other side, totally surprising the driver.

And squish-crunch happened.

So the lady frm the car turns to the old lady and says "Im soooooooooooooo sorry about ur cat..." while sobbing.

And the old lady comes up with a CLASSIC LINE, "It's not my cat."

W-T-F???

I take a closer look and realize. ORH... it's a stray.

But i know this stray. The security guards frm my place feed it every now and then. So i hiked back up the hill to the guardhouse and inform the guards. The guard is distressed to say the least, and scampers to his part-time pet.

He doesnt cry, but u can tell he feels really BAD. He gets a black plastic bag and packages the corpse, for... ... i dunno, evidence... or something. The old lady gets out a bucket and washes the blood away.

And life goes on. Sobbing lady climbs into car and leaves. Old lady goes back into house and starts watching channel 8 comedy shows. Guard goes back to guardhouse and in a moving tribute to the dead cat, starts playing hip-hop bangra music. Fitting.

And i go to the NTUC.

Shit, i never knew there was so much blood in one cat... Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww.... PASTA?

brief description of the Atkinson-Shiffrin memory model...

The Atkinson-Shiffrin model of memory paints a very chilling and robotic image of memories. Basically, our sensory organs transmit signals to our short-term memory (example, someone slapping you). Here, they're stored and then processed, inciting whatever appropriate response is necessary (example, "Fuck You!"). The short-term memory is likened to the cache memory of a computer, the highest and most volatile and most active part of the processor.

Long-term memory, is unlike a hard-disk however. Instead, the Atkinson-Shiffrin model puts forth that repetition of a short-term memory, (example, seeing Elvin's mug day-in-day-out) "imprints" this process onto the long-term memory. Triggering the long-term memory, then draws the sought memory onto the short-term, where again it is processed, inciting whatever appropriate response is necessary (example, "Damnit, u're ugly, Elvin!").

But this does not explain how SINGULAR events can create a lasting impression on people without repetition. It is argued that such events cause the sensory organs to be biased, transmitting SIMILAR signals to the short term, inciting the same long-term memory, regardless of how ugly Elvin really is.

animal planet drama...

In a way i kinda owe this to Craig Ferguson, and to Sze Li for intro-ing him to me and his Late Late show. Check it out. His monologues are awesome. This is nothing like those thoughtful, witty monologues though - just made me want to rant. Rant i shall.

I was standing on the MRT on the way home after a terribly long and stressful day at work. You know the trains are right? Once u step in, the crowd kinda "molds" around you, thus locking in you in your standing position, unable to turn or look away, lest your face end up in someone's arm pit...

So this happened to me - i was locked in place. But right in front of me, was the skinniest guy i have ever seen. He was wearing a TIGHT shirt, with TIGHT pants. He was so skinny, his neck was about the same width as his chest, so his arms looked like they popped up like mushrooms on the side of his neck. And his hair was spiked and dyed to look like a red sea urchin.

And he was in full embrace of his girl friend. If a scarecrow mated with a pumpkin, a dead pumpkin, a dead and ROTTING pumpkin, this girl would look like the offspring. Horrendous.

And they were making out in full bloom.

Things like this scar you for LIFE.

But then i got to thinking. This guy is a complete bag of bones, ugly as fuck, with no muscle watsoever. And the girl is another genetic freak of nature. If they were to MATE, goddamnit. The child would be a terrible mass of genetic waste - all the worst physical traits of humanity passed into one child. The skinny gene, the weak gene, the ugly-as-fuck gene, the muscle-defiency gene... all of that shit.

That sucks.

And then, as Mr Ferguson would say, in his scotish accent, "I figured it out."

So that's why mankind is going down the drain. I blame it on fashion. Somewhere in the past, some idiotic european omnisexuals (meaning they'd mate with anything and EVERYTHING), somehow decided that SLIM was the fashionable. And at the same time, some retarded-samurai-ninja hybrid pigs from Japan decided that spiked hair was AWESOME.

Like the movement of the current, trade winds carried these fashions across the globe like a plague. And now you have the archetype of the standard "attractive" male. The boney, skinny, weak-ass retard with a massive bush of spiked hair on his head.

And women find that attractive.

Apparently PERSONALITY makes up for all of that. Unfortunately, personality isnt genetic. Sorry. However charismatic this child may be, one bite from a freakin mosquito, and GAME OVER. It wouldnt even have to be an Aedes mosquito. I could catch a mosquito, pluck all its wings out, break its legs and beat the shit outta it, and its bite would STILL kill such a weak-ass human specimen.

So its the weakest of the species that are getting laid, having weak children. And these weak children have more weak children. Until the entire human race is a veritable swarm of boneless squabbling peacocks.

Yeah yeah, u can disagree with me all you want.

But you have to admit, the way humans choose their life partners just DOESNT MAKE SENSE.

In Animal Planet, you always see a herd of Wildebeests being stalked by a lion or cheetah or whatever. The herd moves on, and one of them lags behind, usually its the skinniest, weakest, and it usually has a spiked dyed mane and it listens to 5566 or some poser boyband music.

The lion runs up and kills it and eats it.

Personality counts for nothing.

Imagine this: Lion runs up to weak-ass skinny "fashionable" wildebeest and the wildebeest turns around and says "Hey man, I can count, I can do math, I follow the latest trends, and im slender, slender like a feather, baby! I care about pple's feelings, I recycle stuff, I use green appliances, I like Twilight, I use Apple, I'm a good listener, I can wash clothes, I collect Limited Edition Hello Kitty stuffed toys, I can sing like Clay Aiken, and I can dance until I look im flying. FLYING!~~"

Lion says "So then why dont you run?"

Gay-ass wildebeast says "But it ruins my HAIR. And my designer shoes are made for walking, so that's just wat i'll do - one of these days these GUCCI hooves are gonna walk all over you. Yeah~~~..."

Lion says "Suit urself, fuckface" and EATS THE WILDEBEEST'S FACE.

See? Makes no sense watsoever.

Ahh... good riddance. Imma watch more animal planet right now...

and u wonder why doctors always try to prescribe euthanasia to me...

So the OD-ing on cough syrup didnt work. But it felt good. REALLY good.

Switched to Nin Jiom stuff. Yeah i dunno how to say it in english, but *that* stuff.

So i goto the see the doctor. I go there, sit down and wondering, "How long does this doctor take?" Bcos there were about 10 pple in there already, but no one's moving in or out of the doctor's room.

Turns out the doctor wasnt even in. He waltzed in at about 930am, with a huge packet of cha kuey tiao... WTF.

Anyway, 45min later, it's my turn. Im in and out like a flash. Sore throat, flu, phlegm and no year-end bonus - doctor hands the prescription to the nurse.

Another 10 min later, nurse calls me to the pharmaceutical booth. The nurse is old and wrinkly - like a walking Sunrasia Prune.

He puts a packet of red/blue pills on the counter-top.

Nurse: "This is for anti-biotics."

Me: "Oh so this had anti-biotics in it?"

Nurse: (stares at me for 2 secs) "... ... Yes."

Me: "Okay."

Now she puts another pack of pills on the counter.

Nurse: "This is for flu and dizziness."

Me: "Why?"

Nurse: "Huh?"

Me: "You mean this will give me flu and dizziness?"

Nurse: "No no no la... this one PREVENT flu and dizziness."

Me: "Orh... so the first one GIVES me anti-biotics, but this one STOPS flu and dizziness?"

Nurse: (irritated) "... ... OF COURSE LA."

Me: "Okaay, thanks."

Nurse now puts a bottle of cough medicine on the counter.

Nurse: "This is one is f...."

She stops suddenly and glares at me. I stare at her, waiting for her sentence. 3 seconds pass.

Nurse: "This is one will... ... ... STOP... ... your cough."

Me: "Ok thanks."