animal planet drama...

In a way i kinda owe this to Craig Ferguson, and to Sze Li for intro-ing him to me and his Late Late show. Check it out. His monologues are awesome. This is nothing like those thoughtful, witty monologues though - just made me want to rant. Rant i shall.

I was standing on the MRT on the way home after a terribly long and stressful day at work. You know the trains are right? Once u step in, the crowd kinda "molds" around you, thus locking in you in your standing position, unable to turn or look away, lest your face end up in someone's arm pit...

So this happened to me - i was locked in place. But right in front of me, was the skinniest guy i have ever seen. He was wearing a TIGHT shirt, with TIGHT pants. He was so skinny, his neck was about the same width as his chest, so his arms looked like they popped up like mushrooms on the side of his neck. And his hair was spiked and dyed to look like a red sea urchin.

And he was in full embrace of his girl friend. If a scarecrow mated with a pumpkin, a dead pumpkin, a dead and ROTTING pumpkin, this girl would look like the offspring. Horrendous.

And they were making out in full bloom.

Things like this scar you for LIFE.

But then i got to thinking. This guy is a complete bag of bones, ugly as fuck, with no muscle watsoever. And the girl is another genetic freak of nature. If they were to MATE, goddamnit. The child would be a terrible mass of genetic waste - all the worst physical traits of humanity passed into one child. The skinny gene, the weak gene, the ugly-as-fuck gene, the muscle-defiency gene... all of that shit.

That sucks.

And then, as Mr Ferguson would say, in his scotish accent, "I figured it out."

So that's why mankind is going down the drain. I blame it on fashion. Somewhere in the past, some idiotic european omnisexuals (meaning they'd mate with anything and EVERYTHING), somehow decided that SLIM was the fashionable. And at the same time, some retarded-samurai-ninja hybrid pigs from Japan decided that spiked hair was AWESOME.

Like the movement of the current, trade winds carried these fashions across the globe like a plague. And now you have the archetype of the standard "attractive" male. The boney, skinny, weak-ass retard with a massive bush of spiked hair on his head.

And women find that attractive.

Apparently PERSONALITY makes up for all of that. Unfortunately, personality isnt genetic. Sorry. However charismatic this child may be, one bite from a freakin mosquito, and GAME OVER. It wouldnt even have to be an Aedes mosquito. I could catch a mosquito, pluck all its wings out, break its legs and beat the shit outta it, and its bite would STILL kill such a weak-ass human specimen.

So its the weakest of the species that are getting laid, having weak children. And these weak children have more weak children. Until the entire human race is a veritable swarm of boneless squabbling peacocks.

Yeah yeah, u can disagree with me all you want.

But you have to admit, the way humans choose their life partners just DOESNT MAKE SENSE.

In Animal Planet, you always see a herd of Wildebeests being stalked by a lion or cheetah or whatever. The herd moves on, and one of them lags behind, usually its the skinniest, weakest, and it usually has a spiked dyed mane and it listens to 5566 or some poser boyband music.

The lion runs up and kills it and eats it.

Personality counts for nothing.

Imagine this: Lion runs up to weak-ass skinny "fashionable" wildebeest and the wildebeest turns around and says "Hey man, I can count, I can do math, I follow the latest trends, and im slender, slender like a feather, baby! I care about pple's feelings, I recycle stuff, I use green appliances, I like Twilight, I use Apple, I'm a good listener, I can wash clothes, I collect Limited Edition Hello Kitty stuffed toys, I can sing like Clay Aiken, and I can dance until I look im flying. FLYING!~~"

Lion says "So then why dont you run?"

Gay-ass wildebeast says "But it ruins my HAIR. And my designer shoes are made for walking, so that's just wat i'll do - one of these days these GUCCI hooves are gonna walk all over you. Yeah~~~..."

Lion says "Suit urself, fuckface" and EATS THE WILDEBEEST'S FACE.

See? Makes no sense watsoever.

Ahh... good riddance. Imma watch more animal planet right now...