i was re-reading the Lord of the Rings the other day when it struck me that Middle Earth resembles a modern day country. And i was instantly drawn into the predicaments of the present day.
MIDDLE earth? Can anyone name a similar country?? No no not the MIDDLE East, dipshits. No one gives a fuck about the middle east, except that it produces OIL. Oil? Wat u care about oil - u cooking something?
NO, im talking about the MIDDLE kingdom - CHINA, land of melanine, sweat shops and other ridiculously contradictory shit, like that earthquake that killed lots of children. In an interview u would see an old man crying about how they were good kids and that they were good to him, BUT if u notice carefully, the old man is wearing a NIKE jacket - which makes it obvious - those kids died in a sweatshop making fake goods - probably even mass producing poisonous milk again.
Hey dont say im prejudice k? Im just thinking wat they'd be thinking. Remember this is the same country that had phone scams asking for donations to phoney charities just days after that tragic earthquake.
But SAURON, what about him?? Who could he be?? Remember Sauron is a huge blazing EYE on top of a black tower of teeth, he sees all and is most certainly evil - and yet despite all his so-called wisdom, he wants to take over Middle Earth, which is a shit land full of short cropgrowing farmers (see a resemblance here?). And with SHEER power of will, he commands hordes of ugly ugly orcs to fight for him.
After thinking about long and hard, i came to the conclusion that Sauron must be none other than RONALD MACDONALD. I mean LOOK at those ORCS, they are HIDEOUSLY ugly and fat and wat not. Didnt u guys see that movie SUPER SIZE ME? It's the exact consequence of total MacDonaldization. If they conquer Middle Earth, imagine ALL THAT LAND, used to grow POTATOES, all of which converted into FRENCH FRIES. Holy shit... MacDonalds would soooo rule the world.
Middle Earth would've been fine if the ELVES hadnt left though - those pricks. But elves dont exist here on this planet. Im sure that if China had elves - they would most certainly be the GREEKS.
I mean, if the Greeks could break through the gates of Troy, they most certainly could do it to China and their puny not-so-Great Wall and launch a full scale occupation - i mean even the bricks were probably full of melanine. And the Chinese dont even have Eric Bana.
And the Greeks have Brad Pitt. I mean look at those ABS, no amount of Chinese sweatshops will ever be able to copy THOSE. Genuine stuff, cannot bluff!!
SOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Ronald MacDonald wants to take over China, and the Greek pussies are fleeing for the Gray Havens, which is most certainly a nearby LAN shop to play World of Warcraft (its the only place where u can never grow old and never die, apparently).
The Greeks left the Chinese to fight for themselves, but of course they couldnt. COMMUNISM mah, if one cannot fight, then ALL cannot fight lo. Communism mah.
Thankfully for the Chinese, a brave Hobbit stood up to defend them, his name was Tom Cruise, a short little prick. Even though he stood up to defend the Chinese, they STILL couldnt see him - he was THAAAAAAT short. Thankfully, he had a friend, called Some-Wise Gandhee, who is ridiculously bald (so bald, his hair folicles grew BACKWARDS) that he got noticed and hence could draw attention to the short shit Cruise.
Cruise assembled the Fellowship of the Ring, which is composed primarily of the cast of L-O-S-T. And accompanied by a powerful wizard called Gandalf. While not clearly indicated, everyone knows that Gandalf by DEFINITION, an INDIAN. Of course, I mean, he fought a huge beast on a mountain top, sang about it, killed the fucker and got rescued by birds, all this while being half-dead and shit. At his whistling (and more singing), a horse arrives and he can ride it. Plus he talks bullshit about prophecies and all. "At the light of the first dawn, look to the East..." WTF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??? And he drove off Ronald MacDonald's minions with light from his *ahem*... his "staff". Holy shit, dont mess with Gandalf-samy.
Unfortunately, Cruise and his fellowship couldnt defeat Ronald MacDonald. Most of the cast of L-O-S-T died when they were tricked into eating Mega McSpicy Upsize meals that Ronald presented to them. Cmon u cant blame them, they were lost and all, so they were most certainly hungry. They went into fits of LAO-SAI bcos of the uber-spicy Mega McSpicies and promptly shitted out their guts and organs, turning them into hollow, ghostly shells of humans - called the Nazgul.
Cruise retreated with Some-Wise Gandhee to the capital city Hong Kong (yes its Hong Kong, not Beijing, everyone knows that), where they Gandalf abandoned them to create a porno scam BIGGER than that of Edison Chen's.
Left with nothing, Cruise and Some-Wise Gandhee, entered the underworld of Infernal Affairs where they found out that Andy Lau was a spy of Ronald and promptly executed him by reverse castration (the details are too graphic to describe).
Having won a small victory of Ronald, Cruise and Gandhee sought help from the single most powerful nation on the world - JAPAN. Holding a huge Japan-Idol-like contest, they recruited all the most LOSER-est boys from Japan, bcos it turns out EVERY loser boy in Japan has natural talent with Humanoid Gundams, or has a obscene attraction to Pokemon.
While the Humanoid Gundams distracted Ronald with an immensely hot Eva Longoria lookalike Gundam, the Pokemon bitches unleashed a storm of Piiiiiiiii-Kaaaaaaaaa-CHUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!! all over the McSpicies, causing them to ignite and catch fire, sending pepperish smoke into the Eye of Ronald MacDonald, causing him to cry and all. Seeing MacDonald cry, all his minions realized what a GAY LITTLE shit he was an left him for a better life, namely BK, but that is another story to tell.
Cruise and Some-Wise retired, and lived in the mountains, the Brokeback mountains. Federer won the French open, LKY finally kicked the bucket... HARD, Odex HQ burst into flames for no apparent reason, and Internet became free.
And the world lived happily ever after, DESU.
ALL HAIL LELOUCH! ALL HAIL LELOUCH! ALL HAIL LELOUCH.
Happy New Year, i made this all up in 20min.
