taxis

When i was just a little boy
I asked the taxi
Can go faster?

Will it be jammed?
Will it be ex?
Here's wat he said to me

Kanina cb!
U fuck care so much for wat?
It's not like $2 is much!
Kanina cb!

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But anyway, it really used to be that when i flagged a taxi, i would just be head-down, say where i wanted to go, pay the fare and get the hell away from there, like the driver was the friggin spawn of satan.

Things have obviously changed.

In fact, i think i've developed one of those faces - faces that make taxi drivers ask the most ridiculous questions, assume u're frm the most ridiculous of places and start ranting abt the sun, the moon, zeus' pimples and the number of hairs in Obama's nose.

I've met, and conversed with some of the WEIRDEST taxi drivers on the planet.

Once I stepped into a taxi, and the guy was SOOOOOOOO polite, asked how was my day and shit. Then out of the blue, he hands me a PAMPHLET... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SHIT! (Literally!) The guy was actually a PASTOR! This guy drives taxis as a part time job and also, as he put it, "so that i can meet people and spread the word of God and God's love." I almost smashed the window open, screaming "HELP! Im being baptised against my will!!"

There was another time, when i was in a taxi and the guy was just going ON and ON abt how worthless his life was. His son's were poor, one of them cheated and had to flee the country, and how this taxi driver got beat up on his son's behalf, how his wife had a brain disease and was slowly wasting away and how the only thing he could do was drive a taxi to escape from his life. It was a Channel 8 drama serial condensed into 10min. BY THE WAY, the weeping willow driver took the LONG route and in the end i paid 75% more than usual, but i couldnt scold him could i? He would've probably committed suicide on the spot or something.

And of course, there are the government protestors. This one guy started by asking me if i had read the paper recently (which i dont). And then proceeded to tear apart the latest govt sanction abt service charge and other political crapshit, that i cant even remember. The trick is, of course, to AGREE fully with them, no matter how utterly crappy their takes on politics are. I think by the time i arrived at my destination, we were both screaming to make abortion free or something. Wacko head job.

The most dangerous experience i had was not too long ago actually, where a taxi driver turned behind to look at me and ask, "Are you local?" To which, i non-chalantly replied, "Yeah, local." This triggered an avalanche of racist and nationalistic comments that the world has never held witness to, save now. Dear gawd, i was riding a taxi driven by Hitler's reincarnation. If i had suddenly slipped out that i was malaysian, he would've lynched me and did a Troy on me, dragging my behind his taxi like Hector, except he's no Brad Pitt.

And of course, we can never discount the utterly and totally "THE OUTER LIMITS" kind of experience. I remember riding in a taxi on the way back to jb one night, and i was bleeding from the mouth. Bcos i had bitten my tongue trying not to laugh at the bugger's name. It was abt 4-5 words long and ended something like "Yahya Yudno Kennedy" or some utterly fucked up combination of syllables. I grew a sixpack holding back the laughter.

And then of course, when i got back from jb, and took a taxi back from the customs to Balestier, IT WAS THE SAME DRIVER AGAIN, Mr Yahya Yudno Kennedy. My insides instantly went into convulsion and i couldnt say where i wanted to go, except tear up and laugh like a mad hyena. Thankfully, Yahya Yudno Kennedy didnt mind. (Maybe he gets it a alot?)

Taxi drivers are mental cases. BEWARE THE TAXI PRIEST!!